


Always Check Your Pockets Before You Do The Laundry

by calcetin



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:02:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calcetin/pseuds/calcetin
Summary: Hijikata gets his uniform mixed up with Sougo's in the wash.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Okita Sougo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59
Collections: Rare Male Slash Exchange 2020





	Always Check Your Pockets Before You Do The Laundry

**Author's Note:**

> I had a bit of trouble deciding on a plot in the end. At first I really wanted to write something smutty, but just couldn't make it happen. Doing an exchange for the first time was nerve-wracking but I'm glad I got it done. @-@ I'm sorry if it's a bit disjointed or jumbled because of that, but I hope it's still enjoyable! It's also been a little while since I watched Gintama so I hope I still got the voices down!
> 
> *Small note for fic: Noro-kun is a pun for 'noroi' (curse)  
> There's also a small KnY joke because Sougo's VA voices one of the pillars, so I couldn't help it.

"Huh, that's odd..."

Hijikata let out a grumble of annoyance as he awkwardly adjusted his crotch for the third time that morning. Something was off with his uniform today-- like waking up on the wrong side of the futon, or smoking another brand than his usual. That is, it was too damn tight for whatever reason. What had happened to the ball space he took for granted?

His eye twitched as he pulled his shirt on. No, it wasn't just that. The buttons on his shirt and vest were a little harder to close than usual, a little too snug when worn, tch, maybe he'd just bulked up from training lately. _Definitely not mayo calories,_ he murmured to himself. _Definitely not._ Huh? But the sleeve cuffs came up a bit shorter, too -- or was it just his imagination this early? He was too old for a late growth spurt. 

Whatever it was, he needed a cigarette.

But the pack wasn't in his pocket. Oh, right. They'd just been in the wash yesterday-- hold on. Hijikata blinked, fingers closing around something fuzzy. Cautiously, he fished out a disturbingly familiar item: a voodoo doll. 

"The hell?"

There was only one sadist this belonged to. Forget waking up on the wrong side of the futon-- this was waking up all the way in Okinawa next to your worst enemy!

-

"Aw, looks like I left him in the wash," Sougo said with a frown when confronted at lunch. "Now he's all fuzzy and I'll need to make a new one. How will I curse Hijikata-san every day without him?"

"You do enough of that on your own," Hijikata returned. "Anyway, Sougo, that means you've got my uniform on, right?"

"You of all people should be able to tell, Hijikata-san. The tobacco and mayo stench never washes out, after all. That's how I hone my rocket aiming skills. My sense of smell is good enough to use Hinokami Kagura."

"Mayo stench...?" _And shouldn't that be Serpent Breathing--_ Hijikata shook his head. "Anyway, don't tell me you were behind this, you bastard."

"Oh, no. They just got mixed up in the wash. If I'd done this on purpose, I would've planted needles on the inside. Ah, that would've been a good idea, too, dammit..."

"I heard that, Sougo. And if you knew, why didn't you return it? I don't trust you one bit."

"What do you mean? Of course you can trust me. I'm just treating it the way you would." Swiping his mayo bottle from the other side of the table, Sougo proceeded to decorate his uniform with it like a cake for all of three seconds before Hijikata managed to snatch it back.

"Oi, asshole," he growled, shooting the other a glare. "You know how expensive our uniforms are, right? Fuck it up on purpose and I'll make sure you pay me back. Right or left-- which kidney would you miss more, huh?"

Sougo only stared back. "That's a yakuza's line, Hijikata-san. Maybe being Shinsengumi vice commander isn't cut out for you-- I can keep this uniform and take your place."

"Try saying that again and I'll rip it off you."

"Right here in the cafeteria, in front of everyone? You'd be fired for sexual harassment, so go right ahead."

"Prefer I peel it off your dead body?"

"But you're right, y'know," Dangling the voodoo doll in front of Hijikata, Sougo casually ignored his threat. "Maybe it's no coincidence. It could have been a curse. Since something like this happened to my Noro-kun..."

"Who the hell's Noro-kun?!"

"...Maybe he wants revenge," he finished.

"Oi, don't get any ideas," Hijikata reminded him, folding his arms. "If you fuck up my uniform on purpose..."

"'On purpose', huh..." Sougo smirked to himself, getting up to leave. "Well then, see ya later. I've got to help Yamazaki with some anpan target throwing practice."

"Target throwing practice...? Oi, get back over here, you little shit!"

-

"Huff... Huff... Where'd that bastard Sougo go _now_...?"

Hijikata been chasing him all day at this point, kicking himself constantly for ever giving the sadist that damn loophole ( _or_ losing time on making Yamazaki regret being born). Last he saw him he'd been covered in anko and made a break for it before Hijikata could catch up. According to others he'd asked, Sougo had already been busy 'testing' the durability of the Shinsengumi uniform against some of their men's new swords, among other things.

Screw kidneys, that bastard was getting seppuku!

"Toshi! What's wrong?"

Kondo's voice snapped Hijikata out of his rage temporarily and he looked up to see him standing there, staring at some part of him a little oddly. "Your crotch looks a little chafed. Late growth spurt?" Kondo folded his arms and closed his eyes with a sage nod. "Don't you worry, Toshi. Until I was 25, I--"

Thankfully, Hijikata caught his breath just in time to cut off the tangent. "Never mind that! Sougo... Where'd he go?!"

"You'll never believe it, but he was helping out at a community painting project in town!"

"...Painting project?" Hijikata's eye twitched. 'Where, exactly?"

-

Kabukicho, damn it.

"Yo, Hijikata-san. As you can see, I was just helping some citizens paint over the issues in their district."

"You heard Okita-kun," the Yorozuya added, digging his nose as usual when he spotted Hijikata. 'We were hired to paint over this graffiti on the wall right here."

At this point Sougo looked more like a Mimawarigumi than a Shinsengumi with how much white paint he was caked in, courtesy of China Girl who was assault-rifling paintballs at him like her life depended on it.

"The citizens are painting _you_!!'

-

At least it had been easy enough to drag his ass back to the Shinsengumi headquarters after that.

"Right, Sougo, this ends now, you bastard. My balls have been chafing all day. At least hand over my pants. They've got the least crap on them anyway!"

Sougo only tilted his head in response, mock-innocent, not even trying to shake Hijikata's grip on his collar. "What are you saying, Hijikata-san? You want me to take them off? Ordering a subordinate to strip?"

"Either you take them off or _I_ will!"

"Oh? What was that? You'll take them off yourself? Go on then, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata paused and moved back a little, face burning as he realised what he'd said. "N...Not if you put it like that, you...!"

"Come on, Hijikata-san," Sougo taunted, holding his arms out, "no take-backsies. _You're_ the one who said you'd do it-- twice, now."

"Don't make it sound like you want me to!" Hijikata tried to snap, but quickly lost his resolve. "Ah, who cares, fine!"

When he pinned Sougo to the floor by his neck, the flash in his red eyes slipped past Hijikata's focus as he fiddled with the other's belt and made quick work of the zip, rolling his eyes at those S-printed boxers when he tugged the trousers down.

"So forceful, Hijikata-san," Sougo commented in his monotone. "You might have some technique-- try a little verbal abuse."

"Shut up," Hijikata returned, tempted to tighten the grip around his throat.

"Hm, not bad. That'll get the ladies going."

"I said shut up, Sougo, you don't need to make this awkward! I'm just trying to take your pants off!" 

A pause.

"I, I mean--" _Ah, shit_. "Take them _back_ , dammit!"

"This isn't the kind of play I'm into, anyway. I'd rather order _you_ to strip, Hijikata-san."

Dumbfounded, Hijikata didn't move when Sougo's breath brushed his ear with those words, his voice slow and deep. When had he gotten closer all of a sudden?

"...Huh?"

 _Clack_!

The shoji slid open. 

"Vice-commander--"

...Silence.

'I... I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything!! Don't kill me!"

 _Clack_!

The shoji slammed shut.

-

"Tch, it really _doesn't_ wash out, even after all that..."

Sougo sniffed the ruined shirt after taking it off. Just wearing it all day would probably be enough to take a year off his life from secondhand smoke-- if he started coughing any time soon, it would be that bastard's fault.

Well, not entirely. He smirked into the fabric, privately. Of course it had been him who swapped the laundry after all. Why? No point in asking-- no amount of torture would make him admit the answer to anybody. And when it came to Sougo, that naturally included himself.

"Now, let's see... I think I'll cut the nipples out before I return it."


End file.
